Top 9 Films of 2012!

Jack's Top 9 Films Of 2012

So, as a massive movie geek, I've been to see quite a few Hollywood (and not-so-hHllywood)blockbusters this year, and obviously, as with anything in life, some managed to give me an erection, and others made me want to stab kittens.

Here's my top 8 films of 2012, with some extra mumbo-jumbo at the bottom.

NUMBER 9 - CHRONICLE

(FEATURING DANE DEHAAN)

Hmmm, as clichè as this sounds, not my cup of tea.

I expected so much from a film that looked so promising in the trailer, but once in the cinema, it took me five minutes to realise it was one of those films, that was the trailer. 

OK, DeHaan played a brilliant role in Andrew, and the cast

(who were relatively fresh on the scene) did their best to pull it off.  The CGI was crazy-good, but the plot had so many loop holes, and such a predictable ending that I felt like I'd been stood up.  Like going to a football match with my Dad, but instead, he left turns into Burger King.  If you enjoyed 2012,

or that movie with the really shaky camera-guy, you might like this.  I didn't.

NUMBER 8 - PROJECT X

(FEATURING THOMAS MANN)

Did I think this film would be hilarious?  Yes, of course, anything produced with a little helping hand from Todd Phillips was bound to be good?  It wasn't.  The jokes were weak, the cast were O.K, and the plot was so thin.  I felt like I was watching a random house party take place for an hour and a half, and as good as that sounds, when you're not actually there, it's boring.

Sure, I wanted the film to break boundaries, and become as far fetched as possible, and when it did, it got laughs, but a bunch of geeks becoming popular overnight by throwing a party isn't the most original storyline.  I wouldn't want to sit through this again.

NUMBER 7 - THE SITTER

(FEATURING JONAH HILL)

A simple case of expected nothing - got something.  Jonah Hill

brought his usual nerdy charm to the film, and the kids?

Well, they were just brilliant.  Max Records

(that charming little'un from Where The Wild Things Are)

played a teen scared of his own sexuality, and was nothing but

hilariously perfect.  Believable cast, and enjoyable film.

NUMBER 6 - 21 JUMP STREET

(FEATURING JONAH HILL & CHANNING TATUM)

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum working together?

Brilliant.

These two single-handedly made this film a winner.  Blowing Jonah Hill's previous comedy The Sitter out of the water for 2012.

From a guy that had recently watched Channing Tatum play a cheesy lover in The Vow with Rachel McAdams, I was confused to why he'd been given this role.  But it's clear why now, he can do comedy like the best of 'em.  Brilliant pairing, brilliant scripting, decent storyline.  Good comedy from a rainy Friday night in.

NUMBER 5 - AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

(FEATURING ROBERT DW. JUNIOR)

Wow.  Bloody wow.  Amazing.  In fact, I'm actually stupid placing this forth in the list, it should definitely be higher, but I just have a good feeling about number 4.  Anyway, the cast, brilliant, OBVIOUSLY!  Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and Captain America, obviously they'll be brilliant.  Surprisingly, for me, Ruffalo was the stand-out star as Hulk, and I'm glad he's been signed to play him in further films.  The comedy element was very strong, as expected, and more so, the film just did well.  I don't even know what more to say except, it was like the perfect mix of characters, and mise-en-scene, to create a near-perfect super-hero film.

NUMBER 4 - TED?

(FEATURING MARK WAHLBERG & MILA KUNIS)

OK, controversial.  I've not yet seen this film, and placing it about the Avengers is risky, I know.  But here's the method to my madness.  The trailer is incredibly funny, actually laugh-out-loud funny, and it's written & directed by the king of comedy himself Seth McFarlane (creator of Family Guy).

Is this film going to flop, and not meet expectations?  NO.

I'm willing to bet my life on it.  And to those who are saying that all the jokes will be in the trailer, I disagree.  Imagine if we took all the season's of Family Guy and had to create a trailer?  There would be TONS of incredibly funny shit left out, and I'm far too excited to shed happy tears at this delight come August.

NUMBER 3 - THE HUNGER GAMES

(FEATURING JENNIFER LAWRENCE)

Imagine if Twilight appealed to all audiences?  Mhmm.  Of course, this film was centred around a romantic love-story between the two from District 13.  But did it put the male audience of?  Nope.  I for one, thought the storyline was incredible, so original, and just grasping.  I wanted to watch more even after the film ended.  Everything was so great, from Jennifer & Josh's lead role performances, to the brilliant plot-line, to the CGI, to even Woody's cameo.  You have to see this film, and in-fact, will probably have no choice, it's going to become massive.  Move over Harry Potter/ Twilight, Hunger Games are here.

NUMBER 2 - THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

(FEATURING CHRISTIAN BALE AND TOM HARDY)

WHAT?  Dark Knight Rises in NUMBER TWO?  Yeah.

Hopefully, I get proven wrong, but I don't think this will 

beat my love for The Amazing Spider-Man.  However, it has all the ingredients and more to do so.  Michael Caine, Tom Hardy, Joseph Gordon-Levett, Anne Hatthaway, the list continues.  If that is not a cast for a number one hit, then I don't know what is?  Oh, I didn't mention Christian Bale, because I can't stand him.

We all know The Dark Knight was a film to beat all other films, but will this top it?  Or even match it?  I'm unsure.  I don't want to be bitterly disappointed, so I'm not firing my expectations at the roof just yet.  Two things I can't wait to see though.  One thing, Tom Hardy's performance as Bain, hopefully it'll be frighteningly brilliant as it's looking to be.  And number two thing, Nolan's risk-taking.  Obviously he could play this film incredibly safe and leave it open, or he could change the whole diversity of the Batman and flip it on it's head - and I for one, is hoping to see this risk.

C'mon Nolan, don't disappoint now.

NUMBER 1 - THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

(FEATURING ANDREW GARFIELD AND EMMA STONE)

You guys know how much I loved it.  I couldn't go to the cinema just once to see, I had to go a few times.  I am totally in love with how brilliant Andrew Garfield portrayed this new-age Peter Parker, and I can't help but actually fall in love with the incredibly cute Emma Stone.  Rhys iFans too, was so good, I don't even feel this blog can do it justice.  The script was pretty OK, but the special affects and everything else were so pitch perfect, I almost wanted to hide in the cinema and watch the very next showing.  I loved it, others didn't.  Sure, it was cheesy in bits (the crane bit in particular made me cringe slightly) and their were numerous goofs.  But I'm a spider-man geek, and always will be, if they keep making films this enjoyable.

Bonus.

Safe House.

(ft. Denzel Washington)

Hated it.  Too predictable.  The pace was all over the place, and apart from Denzel's safe performance, the whole thing lacked originality.  Failed to captivate me, and for the last ten minutes I found Twitter on my phone more interesting.  Oh, and the so-called "twist" at the end?  Anybody with half a brain-cell see's that coming a mile off.  I don't ever want to watch this again.  Who knows though, you might like it.  

(You probably won't though)

Sayings about sayings.

I have a couple of things to say.

About things that people say.

I'm about to say them....

OK.  So after doing a 2 hour live show earlier, I earned myself a bit of money, and a headache.  So to treat the headache, I did what all 19 year old LADS do, I went and layed on the sofa, eating chocolate chip ice-cream and watching some shit on BBC3.         (Cherry Healey hosted it though, so it was alright.)

However, whilst delving into the very masculine dish of ice-cream and terrible telly, my phone died.  Mainly because it's a wackberry, and they always die.  

This meant two things.  One, I had no Twitter and no energy to go and put the phone on charge, and secondly, I started to actually watch Cherry Healey's dirty program on how to benefit our pointless existence.

Then I heard something, that quite frankly, dumb-founded me.  And yes, that is the first time I've ever used the phrase dumb-founded.  Basically this woman on my telly-box, was investigating how stress can cause early death, and all that bollocks.  And apparently, more people are suffering from deep stress than ever before.  So this is what Cherry said.

"For the first time, in 2011, sadly, more people had to quit their job because of stress, than because of cancer."

What.  The.  Fuck.

SADLY?  Fucking SADLY?  More people have quit work because they've been stressed than because they have cancer, is SADLY?

Now don't get me wrong, I'd hate to be so stressed that I couldn't make videos anymore, but honestly... I'd take that over cancer.  Who the fuck is sitting at home with severe stress issues thinking "Hmm, this is awful, I'd much rather have a tumour in my lungs".  Cherry, go through your scripts before you start spouting shit love.  I'd still give you one though.

Then Cherry began to interview some stupid fucking Essex bird, she had boobs bigger than Jeremy Clarkson's ego.  How long did it take this moron to spout something totally stupid?  I don't know, I didn't count, but it was pretty much instantly.

Here's what she said:

"I'm like marmite really, you love me, or you hate me".

- sigh -

I've always hated that fucking cliché, it grinds my fucking brain.  (Not gears, I am a human, I don't have clogs).

People like a lot of things which others don't, for instance, I hate cheese, a lot of people love it.  Why don't people say    "I'm like cheese, you either love me or you hate me?"  it makes just as much sense.

I suppose we'd draw the line at "I'm like child porn, you either love me, or you hate me?".

Unless you're in a Catholic church, in which, it's a brilliant analogy. 

Oh, and the last saying, I fucking hate.  Is when somebody says 

"There is nothing worse than - for example - toothache".

Yeah, toothache is pretty bad, but I'd probably guess that being raped by your Dad whilst he punched your baby sister in the face is probably worse than toothache.  Or the holocaust, that's a bit worse too.  So don't walk around all day saying stuff like "Uhhhhh, there's nothing worse than getting a spot!"

Try getting AIDS.

That's all.

I'm happy, aren't I?

Smile.

There's nothing worse than being moody.

Jack's Top 5 'Tubers

So, here's your favourite YouTuber's favourite YouTubers.

JAACKMAATE'S TOP 5 YOUTUBERS 2012.

Here are my top five YouTubers at the moment.

Feel free to check them out, some are much bigger than others.

(Note: None are as entertaining as that JaackMaate fella')

5. Ryan Tomlin

(www.youtube.com/ItsRyanHere)

Probably the smallest channel I regularly watch and subscribe too.  

Ryan is entertaining with his diverse videos and outrageous opinions.

You never quite know what video Ryan is going to post next, from vlogs, to standard

Q&A's, to just casual chats on certain topics.  Ryan is always honest, always lovely

and always spot-on with his opinions.  I think him of a family friendly version of my channel

in a way, as he's definitely not afraid to speak his mind.  However, you may be put

off by his casual burping - which I enjoy.  Worth checking out if you like friendly, but

close-to-the-edge humour about sex, porn, lava penis' and other such topics.

4. Shay Carl

(www.youtube.com/ShayTards)

Shay can be described in two words - fucking inspirational.  This guy is the king of vlogging as he has constantly posted a daily vlog for three whole years and rising.  With the exception of a few days, which I think he's entitled to.  Shay films his exciting American lifestyle with his gorgeous wife and amazing children.  Shay's life is on screen for everybody to see, you can join him on his journeys and watch his children grow and learn.  It's pretty fucking cool.

So if you you're looking for a decent series to watch on YouTube instead of the usual crap the TV spits out - then the ShayTards are for you.

3. Craig Benzine

(www.youtube.com/WheezyWaiter)

Well, what to say about Craig?  Crazy?  Clever?  Just fucking brilliant.  Craig used to be a full time waiter - hence his YouTube alias being "WheezyWaiter", and he often talks about his past-times.  Craig started uploading daily comedy vlogs in the hope of one day making YouTube his full-time job, and guess what... he did it in phenomenal speed.

Craig uploads around four comedy vlogs a week, and they're ALL incredibly witty and cleverly put together.  Craig has hundreds of running gags in his videos, so it might be a good idea to go back a few months and check some of his older stuff, or you could be lost in a sea of Benzine-crap.  Honestly makes me laugh out loud.

2. Khyan Mansley

(www.youtube.com/Khyan1)

Apart from Ryan, Khyan has the least amount of subscribers on the list reaching just over 50,000.  However, he deserves thousands more.  He is a comedy writer turned film-maker, and trust me, his videos are on par with the best of them.  His dry humour and brilliant satire makes him my favourite film-maker on the web.  I find myself regularly checking his channel

in the hope he's uploaded another dry - yet fantastic comedy film.  He's been featured on the YouTube homepage numerous times for his work, but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere fast.  Worth checking out by all means!

1. Kassem G

(www.youtube.com/KassemG)

My favourite YouTuber, by a mile and a half.  Kassem has been entertaining me for

at least two entire years.  His "California On" series has me in sheds of fucking tears.

His offensive material, and his casual bending of the rules makes him a clear winner for me.  He doesn't care what he says, or who he says it to - as you'll see if you check his shows.  He does everything from interview random strangers on Venice beach, to face to face chats with famous pornstars.  Kassem is definitely a YouTube king, and his TWO MILLION subscribers reflect that.  If you don't know who this prick is, you need to.

"The Amazing Spider-Man Review"

So.


The Amazing Spider-Man.  Is it any good?  Did it deserve the title of amazing?  Were there any flaws in the movie?  Yes, to all three questions.  Did it live up to my high expectations though?  Oh yes, and more.  I'm going to babble on a bit about this movie, because for one reason, I loved it, and for two, I have this blog-thing now, which is pretty neat.
So if you've seen the movie, thinking of seeing the movie, or just like to read my pointless views on life, here we go....


Basically, I loved it.  I knew I would, and perhaps I already loved the film, before I'd seen it?  I knew it'd be great due to two little words: Andrew Garfield.  I never realized how much I enjoyed this man's work until The Social Network, in which he was nothing but perfect when playing Jessie Eissenberg's forgotten businessman.  So as I entered "screen 8" with my Spidey-senses already tingling, I think the thing I was most looking forward to, was Garfield's portrayal of the iconic Peter Parker, formerly played by Tobey Maguire.  


Some would argue that Garfield was "too cool" to play the geeky student Peter Parker, some would add that he couldn't shake off the strange ruggedness that he seems to have.  I'd say: bollocks.  Pre-bitten Garfield hit every geeky note perfectly, with his lip bitting, gum chewing and just damn-right nerdy facial expressions, I soon forgot about the angry Eduardo from The Social Network - for a moment.  Then as soon as Spider-Man was unleashed, this was like an unwritten metaphor for Garfield to rip out his shit-load of cool.  Was he too cool to play Peter Parker?  Not at all.  I think some people may be forgetting that even though it's a new adaption of the original story, it is still a new fucking film, and the fact Garfield twisted the stereotypical Parker role which seemed to be cemented in Marvel history, it worked perfectly, and anybody who disagrees - well - they're wrong.


Support from Emma Stone, and Rhys Ifans was basically spot on too.  I personally think Emma Stone is incredibly cute in this, there's just something about her.  The blonde hair.  More importantly, her performance?  Decent.  Very decent.  This film is like a timeline of her professionalism, she matures, and her very average performance in films such as Zombieland and the terrible House Bunny seem a million miles away.  As for Ifans?  Well, there's not much to say really, brilliant as usual, and deserves every bit of praise that comes his way.  His transformation between good and evil is second to none, as expected.  I think the fact that the cast were unbeatable, made this film arguably my favourite Spider-Man to date, and my taste-buds are already watering for The Amazing Spider-Man 2, in 2014!


If you haven't seen it yet, see it.  For the goodness of all humanity.

"Yeah, but he's British".

So,


Here I am.  Sitting here.  It's another boring Sunday evening.  I'm wearing jogging bottoms, and a vest, like that one uncle everybody has that has simply given up on life.  Except while I'm writing this, I'm being distracted by chants of "Murray, Murray, Murray" coming from the supporters on my television.  Oh wait... one second... they've just stopped.  Federer has won Wimbledon 2012, and now life can continue, as if it ever fucking stopped.  


Of course, it'd be cool if Murray had won, of course it bloody would, nobody can deny that.  But would I have given a shit had he won?  No.  He means nothing to me.  He's a tennis player, and tennis has always been average.  Tennis has always been "that thing" that nobody cares about until Wimbledon comes around, and then everybody jumps on the bandwagon and pretends that they give a fucking shit - we don't.  And furthermore, nobody cared about Murray, until he got to the final, and then woah - everyone started tweeting, posting, masturbating over the man as if God himself had floated down from his racist cloud, and smashed Tsonga with his almighty cock.  It's ridiculous.  As I said, obviously it would of been great if Murray had won, not because he's "British", not because he "deserves it" but because he's "the underdog".  British or not, everybody loves an underdog.


But this whole "British" shit?  Wanting to win because Murray is "British?"  When has that mattered?  Did we want Ireland to do well in the Euro's last month?  Did we fuck.  Did we ever want to see Kalzahgy win a boxing match?  Of course not.  Because we're English, and we're stubborn, everybody hates us, but we don't care.  We always stick an English middle finger up at the world.  Andy Murray is Scottish, except for when he's winning - then for some unknown reason - he becomes "British", he becomes part of us.  He's not.  Why do we keep jumping on his cock like he matters?  Tennis never matters!  Oh, Andy's crying, on my TV, poor lad, I think I'll support him now.


Obviously, not.  Again, I wish he'd of won, because I love an underdog.  Say, Murray had to play Tim Henman back in the day, would we still be supporting Murray?  No.  So to the idiots on Twitter & Facebook who keep posting how much they want Andy Murray to "win at Tennis".  You probably don't know nothing about the fucking sport - stick to social networking.  Oh, and it's duece by the way, not juice.


Unlucky Murray, but quite frankly, I do not give a shit.
Tennis... sigh.

"You can't talk about religion".

'Ello chums.

Right, let's try and find a suitable way to begin this blog without sounding like a total prick.  I mean, most people who 'blog' these days are total pricks, aren't they?  I'm even writing this in the smallest sized text possible, just because I'm so embarrassed that my life has stooped to this new low.  Writing.  However, I'm guessing a lot of you who happen to be wasting your precious seconds on this Earth, on reading this, happen to come from my Facebook page, or my Twitter, and that's bloody good, you're probably slightly interested in this ramble that I'm now going to spit, so let's continue...

Earlier I posted around that I am planning to read the bible in my next YouTube video.  (and we all know I won't be just "reading" it.)  I'll point out every one of it's fictional flaws for the life of me.  Anyway, a lot of you are buzzed to hear what I have to say about this matter, you're all for the idea, and that's just great.  Except for the religious sheep.  A few Christians have closed their "how to get into heaven quicker" tabs, and decided to reply to my posts.  They're angry, of course they're fucking angry.   That's understandable.  However, I think the point that's being missed here, is that I really do not give a shit.  One idiot from my Twitter, claimed that I couldn't talk about religion because "a lot of people are religious".  Wow.  A lot of people love that Nicki Minaj thing, but nobody told me I couldn't talk about that?

Just because a lot of people believe in this fictional murderer known as "God", why should that stop somebody who doesn't believe in him, from voicing their opinion?  I mean, Christians voice theirs at every fucking given opportunity.  I can barely walk through my local city center without some pleb offering me a "free bible".  According to that very same book that they're trying to hand out, God created me in his image, and gave me free will.  I've taken that free will, and decided that I am an Atheist.  So why are you now going against your "leader" and trying to persuade me to bathe in his fucking glory?  It's ridiculous.  You just want to get through those pearly gates when your life ends.  Which won't happen.  When you die, you die.  It's not a "pessimistic" way to look at it, and it's not depressing, in fact, it's very fucking humbling.  That's life, and it's fucking precious.  Why spend the limited amount of time that we have, trying to do good, so that once your life is over, you can live in "heaven".  Something that has NEVER, and will NEVER be proven, because, urm... it's a fairy-tale.
By all means, do good, that's super, but Christians are only doing good to better themselves.

Become a fucking doctor, help prolong the life of thousands, and then die - gracefully,  Your name will then live on as a legend, sure, you won't get into heaven, but you won't get into hell either.  You'll be where millions already are.  In the ground.  As I said before, that is not a depressing fact, but merely a fact.  Stop being so fucking fickle, enjoy life, and fuck God.  (By the way, if God is real, and I've just spoke a whole lot of shit, can you ask him if he can let West Ham do alright this season?  I'm going to a couple of games, and I don't want to watch any shit football, he does those kind of requests doesn't he?)  Also, stop killing babies.  Amen.